How [Not] to Give Up Piano Lessons
How does it make you feel when a student or their parent tells you they’ve decided to stop lessons?
I always feel terrible. No matter what.
This has been the case ever since I first started teaching 40 years ago. My husband tells me I take it far too personally 1, but I can’t help it!
There are hundreds of reasons why students give up at any given time. Sometimes, practice is just all too hard, and parents don’t want the fight anymore; sometimes it’s a change of life circumstances, and piano lessons are going on the back burner; sometimes other activities are simply more important. 2
What’s interesting, though, is that every adult I’ve met who learned piano for a period of time in their youth always seems to regret having stopped. I have never heard them say, “I’m really glad my parents let me give up!” 3 or “I’m so annoyed I kept at it!” Adults understand the importance of pursuing this skill, but when we’re young, we don’t see the bigger picture. It’s important we encourage young students to keep going.
But keep going for how long?
I know that is a controversial thing for a piano teacher to ask. But I’m being realistic here. Eventually, even our most dedicated, most enthusiastic, most fabulous students will stop lessons at some point (boo hoo). There is a natural attrition rate for this activity; only a tiny percentage of pianists decide to go on and make music their profession.
So I’ve been thinking lately that since stopping is inevitable for 99.9% of our students, it’s the how and when a student stops that matters enormously. When a student cries, ‘I don’t want to do piano anymore!’, there are a few factors for both parents and teachers to consider:
1. Decode the message
Students rarely want to quit because they dislike music. They want to quit because they dislike struggle. When a child exclaims, “I hate piano!” it can be so frustrating for parents, who are trying their best to make it work and who are thinking “well then why am I paying for lessons?!” But so often, what children are really saying is:
- “This is hard work, and I want to play video games instead.”
- “I don’t feel like I’m doing well.”
- “I’m scared of disappointing someone.”
Before making any snap decisions, pause and decode the message. Do they actually want to quit piano — or do they want to quit discomfort?
2. Check the timing
Motivation always moves through peaks and troughs. Every young pianist goes through predictable low-motivation phases when pieces get more complex or when progress seems to have slowed due to other commitments.
However, if a student quits during a motivational trough, they learn a powerful but unhelpful lesson: “When something gets hard, I stop.” If they still want to discontinue lessons even when things are going well, it’s a sign that the decision is well thought out and is less likely to be regretted later in life.
I had a student once who was struggling with her pieces for the end-of-year concert, and kept saying she wanted to give up. The mum – soooooo cleverly – struck a deal with her: they would work through these pieces, get them ready for the concert, and she would be welcome to stop playing piano after the concert if that was still her decision.
She played beautifully in the concert and got lots of wonderful feedback from the audience. During the afternoon tea, when her mum casually asked ‘Do you want to give up piano now?’ she responded, “What are you talking about???” 😊
3. Create a sense of closure
In my studio, I can usually tell when the end is coming. I can see that the student has become very indifferent to practice, that other activities are taking their focus, and that all my usual motivational strategies have stopped working. I talk to the parent and student together, starting a discussion around whether or not this will be the last year of piano. We work towards the mid-year or end-of-year concert, they perform well, and we say our goodbyes while at the same time feeling a sense of achievement and satisfaction.
When the decision finally comes, it’s important for students to hear things like:
“You worked hard and learned so much.”
“Music will always be part of your life.”
“You can come back to piano anytime.”
A final reflection
It’s never easy losing a student, but it is always inevitable.
For me, the ideal way to give up piano is to make a considered decision over an extended period, give the teacher lots of notice, and work towards a final performance or lesson where heartfelt goodbyes will be said.
My goal has always been to arm my students with holistic piano skills that enable recreational music-making in the future. So even though the lessons have come to an end, I know they have learned not just the skills of playing, listening, sight reading and creating; they have also learned patience, focus, resilience, and the ability to work toward long-term goals. All of this, combined with stopping on positive terms, means they are not only much more likely to revisit the piano in the future, but that they will also remember their piano lessons with a smile.
- Especially since the majority of the time, the decision is not about me or my teaching
- More important to THEM, that is. It’s always very hard for me to accept that music is getting the boot!
- The exception to this is my husband. He HATED piano and was relieved to be allowed to give up. However, he currently still plays many brass instruments, so music education prevailed after all 😊
